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The Mom Carrying a Fake Bag to Amber Waves
We’re not coming out for the whole summer because just to exist here is so expensive, even though I’m staying at my mom’s house in the Northwest Woods. I don’t have to pay to be there, but going to the grocery store costs $600. It’s not even a nice grocery store; it’s the IGA in East Hampton. It’s a million dollars to go out to dinner and then the food is only fine. It’s not even like I’m trying to get a table at Nick & Toni’s. I’m trying to get an ear of corn, an $8 bunch of asparagus. I’m trying to buy a $16 carton of eggs.
I grew up with a ton of money, but I don’t have that now. For the past couple of years, I’ve sent my kids to the YMCA camp. The expensive option, in Amagansett, was weird. I was doing pickup with Hilaria Baldwin, and she was wearing a see-through $700 nightgown and $30,000 worth of diamonds. Plus it’s almost $3,000 for two weeks for a bunch of teenagers who are wearing thousand-dollar sneakers and Cartier Love bracelets to watch our kids. Not to mention my Honda Odyssey is the only one that’s not a Maserati. People are like, “No, no, I don’t drive my car in the city. I only drive it in the Hamptons. And here’s my Porsche 911.” And when you go into town, you have these superintense New Yorkers. They’ve spent $70,000 on a one-month rental, and they want to make the best of it, and they want their fucking organic egg, -gluten free, whatever, and they want it yesterday. “Don’t you know who I am? How much money I spent to even fucking be here?” “That’s why I’m going to drive really, really fast. That’s why I’m going to almost run people over at Balsam Farms.” And even then, you’re dealing with the collective stress of everyone who’s trying to keep up, everyone who’s paying so much to be out there. Can I afford a $7,000 purse? No. Do I still want the $7,000 purse? Yes. Now I get it through the black market. I take that fake purse with me to Amber Waves, in Amagansett. And when I’m there, I’m checking out everyone’s purses. And I’m wondering, Does everyone here have the real thing? Are we just surrounded by $200,000 worth of purses? Or is everyone just pretending? I’m pretending. There’s an insecurity that you need to be operating on a certain level or else you’re not good enough if you don’t have the Goyard tote. I look at those people, and I think, Oh man, you think that if you don’t have these things, you are done for? That’s what it feels like. There’s a desperation in the air, especially in August.
In This Issue
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The Woman Whose Dad Is Committing Tax Fraud to Rent in Quogue
I manage the finances for my family business, and my dad has never taken a salary. He would just take money from the company as an owner’s draw for things he needs. Every year in March, he’ll come to my siblings and me and be like, “Hey, I need $200,000. I want this place in the Hamptons for the summer.” Growing up, we owned a home in the Hamptons, but after my parents divorced, they had to sell it. So now he rents. And honestly, I am not trying to sound bratty or anything, but these houses are just not very nice. They’re far from the water. They’re in towns that aren’t as trendy. So for the past couple of years, we were renting in West Hampton and Quogue. The problem is my dad has neglected to pay taxes for many years. He has taxes overdue and building debts. Still, he will scrape together every cent he can to try to get that Hamptons house. He wants to be out there with his friends. He wants to go to Dockers. And it’s definitely a strain. It would get us to the point where we were struggling to make payroll for our 50-person company because he wanted that Hamptons house. There’s been a lot of personal struggle on his end and neglecting things that are much more necessary in hopes of -having one more year of doing this. And you’d never know it. In the Hamptons, my dad will go to his favorite restaurant, he’ll get one of everything on the menu, then he’ll tip $2,000. You would not think he’s in tax debt, but he just needs to have that appearance of I’m in the Hamptons, I’m doing it.
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The Country-Club Member Afraid to Be Outed for Late Dues
I signed the kids up for camp at the club, and I don’t know how I’m going to make the $10,000 up-front payment. They don’t offer the option to pay in installments, and I’m afraid to ask if I could do that. Every year, I’m like, I can’t do this again; I can’t afford it, but then I find a way. Sometimes I incur the club’s late fee knowing it’s less than what I would incur from another late fee somewhere else. I’m always doing math in my head and weighing the pros and cons; it’s like a game of chicken. I’m always just getting it in under the gun. When your payments of club bills are outstanding, you get outed in these emails sent to the whole membership. It used to be that if you missed your payment, your name would go up on a list on a wall. You’d have to be curious or a gossip to want to go over and actually look at the names. The email makes it feel like ten times worse. Not that it’s happened to me yet, but stay tuned. There are the haves and the have-nots, but out here it’s now the haves and the have-a-lots. And don’t get me wrong — we’re the haves, but compared to the people who come out here now, you start to feel like you’re some degenerate impoverished person.
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The Yacht Stewardess Whose Clients Are Bribing Dockmasters for the Better Slip
Boat owners will take their boats out and tie up together, have each other over for drinks, go to the same parties at night. But they’re all frenemies. There’s a lot of competition between them. Bribes for the dockmasters are common to secure a slip at some of the marinas because they’re hard to come by during the season. Some places you can’t even get a seasonal slip without paying extra. The dockmasters are the gatekeepers — and for the ones who take advantage, it’s no pay, no play. The amount is based on the scarcity of slips, but I would say it starts at four figures and goes up to $20,000. One couple I worked for as a yacht stewardess wanted to buy a bigger boat, and whenever they looked at new ones, they were always comparing notes. “Is it nicer than Brandon’s, or is it nicer than John’s? Is this chic enough? Is this the most chic that we can get? Does this look expensive enough?” A lot of the wives would talk crap about each other, but then they’d arrange get-togethers on each other’s boats. What they all want in their boats is deck space because most of the time, with a day boat, you’re not really even going inside. You want lots of nice seating or sun pads where you can lie out and socialize. Day boats are the norm because it’s a lifestyle thing. These people have really nice houses, and they want to sleep in them. Also, just because they have a day boat doesn’t mean they don’t have a bigger boat — it just might be based in Europe. The big yacht is what you’ll use for a seven-to-ten-day cruise to Cannes or Greece or wherever. Here, they cruise around for the day, have a swim, go out to lunch. You’re burning $1,000 in fuel just to get there. Another small boat I worked on would fill up once a week, and it would be like $6,000 or $7,000 each time. And that doesn’t even cover the cost of labor and the boat itself. A boat captain can make a thousand a day. I would make about $500. At one point, I raised my day rate to $750. I could tell some people were surprised at first, but they still paid it. It’s understood that your lodging will be paid for. Otherwise, there’s no way we could afford to be there. One of the places we stayed was $12,000 a month. Another place was $75,000 for the summer. And they weren’t even that nice. Sometimes owners will band together — so if their buddy has a boat too, they’ll just get a six-bedroom house and then keep their crew all together and split the cost.
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The Realtors Who Can’t Make Their Mortgage Payments
A lot of brokers start to associate themselves with their clients’ circle, which is fine; that’s our job. But it’s also become a massive ego trip. It’s all a façade. I’ve been in the Hamptons for five years now, and you see this a lot with junior agents overspending on their cars, clothes, watches. Next thing you know, they’re living check to check, can’t make the mortgage payments, losing their home. I want to feel awful for those people, but at the same time, it’s concerning to see someone who’s advising people on real estate when they can’t even manage their own. One agent needed to rent out her home in the South Fork because she couldn’t afford it anymore, but she had so much pride that she was willing to lose it rather than rent it out and let any of her peers find out she needed the money. There have been many, many brokers who have basically -bankrupted themselves trying to maintain an image.
More From the Hamptons Issue
- Candace Bushnell: Sex After 60 in Sag Harbor
- How to Throw a (Socially Acceptable) Party in the Hamptons
- The Hamptons Status List