Even if your sex life is generally good, there are always new things you might try to make it better. Based on my experience teaching a sex writing course, ho phasing, and talking endlessly to friends about sex, I’ve encountered a lot of different strategies and approaches for getting laid with renewed vigor.
For even more context, I’ve asked dozens of people — psychologists, parents, influencers, bottoms — about their pragmatic advice for improving your sex life, based on their own experience and expertise. As adrienne maree brown, author of Pleasure Activism, told me, “Sex is one of the ways we get to practice our aliveness and our togetherness.” To that end, here are tons of ideas to test out for yourself.
1.
Sext specifically.
A good sext should be weird. I’ve learned not to settle for wow or damn you’re so hot if what I mean is your collarbones make me want to swallow my phone. Who would you poison for a chance to nibble their calf? Where exactly do you plan on putting your teeth? How do you sound when you come? (Send a voice memo to make sure they know.)
2.
Use sex toys for off-label purposes.
Nick Boyajian, the founder of the sensual wellness company Wild Flower, recommends letting curiosity, rather than ad copy, guide your use of toys. Bullet vibrators, normally marketed for external clitoral stimulation, are far more versatile. “You can hold one against the base of a dildo during penetration,” Boyajian told me. From there: “Tuck it into a harness, or slip it into a sock and roll it along the body for a massage.” Use a vibrator on the shaft of a dick. Run a dildo over your partner’s skin without ever entering them. What other holes can you gag? The world is your clam.
3.
Don’t moralize.
Tina Horn, the author of Why Are People into That?, remembers an encounter in her mid-20s when she asked a guy she was hooking up with to call her a “little slut.” While it would have been fine if he just wasn’t into that, he refused on more condescending grounds. “He said, ‘I can’t do that, because it would be degrading to you,’” she told me. “It’s actually more degrading for me than giving me what I want… which is to call me a slut.” If your partner asks you to do something, and you feel safe and stoked to do it, then go for it. Otherwise, don’t try to explain that it’s bad if it isn’t coercive or otherwise way out of bounds.
4.
Do it in every room of the house — and beyond.
Should we take this to the bedroom? Passionate invitation, or a sign of withered imagination? I’m a firm believer in sex away from the bed. Before cooking dinner, lift your partner onto the kitchen counter and get on your knees. Bend them over the armrest of your couch. Sneak into the bathroom at an art museum, or leave a party to discreetly fuck in the stairwell.
5.
Tell your partners what words to use about your body.
The trans memoirist KB Brookins told me that they’ve sometimes had a hard time with gendered expectations during sex. “You think that I’m a girl, and that’s why you’re doing certain things with me,” they said. “Or, you think that I’m a boy, so you’re expecting [a different] kind of sexual performance out of me.” Their current partner, however, never placed those gendered expectations on Brookins during sex. “It was more of a blank slate.” In my experience as a nonbinary person, talking to partners about specific words to use — and not use — about my body made hookups less fraught and more fun. No matter your gender, be upfront about whether you prefer certain terms, and if others throw you off.
6.
Take cues from what feels good outside of sex.
For adrienne maree brown, going swimming every day got her thinking about how to incorporate those physical sensations into sex. “I love having sex in water, and I love having sex in the shower. Water is an erotic experience for me.” For a time-tested way into sensory-minded pleasure, make a sex playlist (or even a masturbation one).
7.
Write erotica (or just write in your journal).
Before publishing In the Dream House and Her Body and Other Parties, Carmen Maria Machado wrote erotica under a pen name. Writing explicitly about sex allowed her to create the kind of sex she wanted to have. “I’m turned on by my own sex scenes,” she told me. “I’m often thinking about the kind of sex I have had, or I want to have.” She recommends feeling your desires out by writing through them — if erotica isn’t your thing, just put thoughts down in your Notes App.
8.
Don’t misrepresent yourself in your nudes.
“I don’t care about dick size,” said Joel Kim Booster, comedian and star of Fire Island. “I care about whether you’re a liar.” Booster, whose nudes have been circulating online since 2017, believes they should represent the real thing without overselling, and thus, we should give dick and hole pics the same attention we give to our faces. In terms of dicks, specifically: “Including something for scale is an act of bravery, and only real ones will include a remote,” he said.
9.
Use porn as a rubric.
Dr. Lucie Fielding, author of the Lambda Award–winning book Trans Sex, recommends paying for porn on sites like pinklabel.tv or Color Block Films, where you can find porn that features people of color and queer and trans performers. After watching something she likes, she asks herself questions: “What would you do if you were here? What would you have wanted more? What would you have wanted less? What would you like to happen next?” She says this helps her bring those insights to partners — and just know herself better.
10.
Stop jacking off to your ex.
No matter how good the sex was, it probably wasn’t that good. What you had with your ex was mesmerizing — for who you were in that moment. You won’t find something hotter if you do not let go. Enough.
11.
Get in a relationship.
Don’t avoid a relationship because you aren’t “fully healed” from whatever might have happened with the aforementioned ex. In addition to therapy, “good, caring, patient” relationships can help you more fully freak what you feel, said Orna Guralnik, the host of Couples Therapy. It’s a trust thing: Relationships have offered me space to explore things I’d feel less comfortable trying with a hookup.
12.
Don’t rule partners out because they’re “not your type.”
A lot can be gained from sleeping with people you wouldn’t normally fuck. Emma Eisenberg,the author of Housemates, has written a lot about having sex as a fat person, but avoided fat partners until a conference a few years ago based on shame. “And it was so great,” she says. “Why have I not been having sex with fat people this whole time?” What is “your type” preventing you from accepting about yourself? What might you be missing out on?
13.
Have an age-gap liaison.
Too nervous to suffer the scandal of an age-gap relationship? Take an age-gap fling for a spin. Cindy Gallop, the founder and CEO of the website Make Love Not Porn, has been having sex with younger men for decades. Sleep with someone older, and you might learn a few things about self-assurance; sleep with someone younger, and maybe you’ll pass on some earned wisdom. Gallop likes to visit cougar-hunting sites, but you can also shift the age sliders on dating apps.
14.
Say no more often outside of bed.
Dylan Pugh, a sexual health educator based in Oakland, tells people to practice saying no in their everyday lives, not just during hookups. He frames it this way: “If someone were to serve you food, and there was something on the plate that you were allergic to, how would you say, ‘Hey, I can’t eat this?’” I agree: Being decisive in all things is a virtue, especially during sex.
15.
Get comfortable with PDA.
Some of my best moves are based on how I act out in the world. If you’re at dinner with a partner, put your hand on their knee under the table. When you get up to go to the bathroom, slide your fingers over their shoulders. Twist a finger in their hair while you’re drinking with friends. Drape their leg over yours at the movies. Hold hands on the walk to the grocery store. Touch your hip against theirs when you’re paying for coffee. Maintain a physical connection throughout the day to remind each other how you feel — and how it feels to feel one another.
16.
Make a sex tape with your partner before traveling.
Having to take trips for work can really halt sexual momentum with a partner, but I’ve found a way around it. Before putting your best blazer in your carry-on, record a short video of you and your partner having sex. The production value doesn’t need to be high. You might not have time to sext on the road, but you can sneak in 10 minutes to get yourself off to the movie you made. If you’re too shy (or don’t want to risk the chance of someone else seeing it), ask your partner to give you a hickey someplace out of sight to remember them by.
17.
Kiss responsively.
I have two theories about kissing. The first: There are no bad kissers, only bad listeners. While you might run into the occasional tongue thunder, for the most part, a bad kiss is a sign you aren’t paying attention to what the other person is doing. Kissing is not the place to bust out your one perfect move. It’s where you learn to communicate. For example: If someone starts slowly, move slowly with them.
18.
Use your hands while making out.
Second theory: Making out is all about hands. Keep them out of your pockets! When you’re kissing, your hands should run as free as a fox. Explore the small of a back, slide from knee to thigh and slowly back, hold their jaw. Whatever you do, just don’t let your arms hang at your waist.
19.
Do less when it comes to oral sex.
“A good blowjob requires doing as little as possible,” a friend told me recently over email. Though it can be hot to go straight for the deep throat, patiently teasing a partner is more impressive. She recommends kissing the other person’s hip flexors or stomach while lightly touching them with your hands before your mouth, and when you move to oral, keeping it, “exceedingly gentle.” Move your tongue slowly, control the pace, and alternate movements.
20.
Take turns coming.
Instead of focusing on mutual orgasm every time, you might spend an afternoon trying to get a partner off as many times as you can — with your mouth, your hand, your cock, your strap, whatever. Angela Chen, author of Ace, told me this kind of arrangement can be especially beneficial for relationships between asexual and allosexual people, as it can help take the pressure off sex for an asexual person who might not want to be touched.
21.
Get really into foreplay.
Remember the scene in Anora when Ani tells Vanya he doesn’t need to fuck her as fast as humanly possible every time they have sex? The same applies to you. K, a teacher and writer in London, told me they didn’t start having good sex until it became “slow, without following normative expectations about pacing, sequencing, or what went where.” Explore how taking it slower unlocks new forms of pleasure. If you normally jump right to penetration, give your partner a massage.
22.
Don’t ignore disabilities, discomfort, and other physical limitations.
Chloé Cooper Jones, author of Easy Beauty, told me that too many well-meaning partners pretended they didn’t recognize her visible disabilities when they had sex. Jones couldn’t have good sex with a partner if they couldn’t face the reality of her physical condition. As a disabled person, Jones needed to talk openly about what feels good and what might hurt when having sex. As a partner, listen and be curious. If you’re dealing with a new diagnosis or change in ability, ask a health care provider how it will affect sex. (And if your doctor won’t answer your questions, look into a new one.)
23.
Have more sex sober.
In Shon Faye’s new book, Love in Exile, she recounts a tumultuous drunken affair that convinced her to stop drinking. Drunk sex prevented her from feeling in key with her partners, she told me, and “good sex requires a degree of attunement.” Sobriety has transformed her ability to enjoy sex. “The essence of addiction is an inability to bear to be present in one’s own life,” she writes. If you can’t be present with yourself, it’s nearly impossible to have good sex with another person. If you tend to have sex after a few drinks, stay sober for your next few encounters, and notice what feels different.
24.
Don’t obsess over somebody just because they make you come.
Like many of us, you might have had sex with this person: the one who just gets your body. But it’s usually more about their skill than your connection. The first couple years of her sexual life, Carmen Maria Machado had a lot of bad sex without people who weren’t concerned about whether she liked what they did, until she met a guy who simply cared. “Of course I fell in love with him — which was a mess, because we just weren’t compatible in any other way,” she said. Sexual chemistry can feel a lot like compatible, romantic love, but good sex can start to feel constrictive if you have nothing else in common.
25.
Get a room.
My independent studies have proven that something just happens when you get a hotel room with someone you’re boning. Perhaps it’s the crisp white sheets, perhaps it’s House Hunters on cable, perhaps it’s how amazing your partner looks in a robe stepping out of the shower — but vacations bring about something feral. If you can make the time, schedule a trip with your partner. Go upstate, visit friends in Seattle, see a band on tour two cities away. If you can’t get out of town, book a staycation. You can probably rent a day-use hotel in your city to… hang out by the pool.
26.
Silence your phone.
This helps me stay attuned to the person I’m with. It makes sense: Working with your phone nearby can torpedo your attention span, and sex likely requires far more focus than your day job. Whether you respond or not, a single chime can take you out of the moment. Adding a third or a fourth or a fifth can be fun, but not in the form of a Slack from your boss.
27.
Steal sex ideas from your friends
My sex life didn’t really improve until I started talking about it with people I trusted. Friends have given me vital tips for how to suck someone off, strategies for seducing bartenders, best practices for removing a hickey (rub a toothbrush over the spot for 15–20 minutes to disperse the broken capillaries; using ice risks freezing the capillaries in place). When a friend came out as queer in her 30s, she asked the group chat how to go down on a woman. As Candice Nicole Hargons, the author of Good Sex, reminded me: Your sexual partners might change over the years, but your friends can teach you more about sex, and yourself, than any article can.
More From This Series
- Can a Supplement Really Fix Your Libido?
- Is Scheduling Sex As Unsexy As It Sounds?
- ‘We Love Telling Young People That They’re Doing Sex Wrong’