One of the best things about being a sophomore is not being a freshman. While it can be kind of fun to be the baby and for everything to be new and fresh, being the new guy also means that you'll certainly be the subject of taunts, ridicule, and hazing (I know I sure was!). This is especially true at a macho school like Fordham College at Lincoln Center. Our estimated 70/30 girl-to-boy ratio and the complete absence of any Greek life practically guarantees a breeding ground for unbridled masculine energy and constant keggers.

This makes Fordham, and most other schools, the perfect places to bully the young into submission.

By the time this article is published, I expect to have three to ten man/woman-servants, each of whom I have recruited from the new freshman class. This isn't inhumane or anything, it's just a fact of life. Throughout my own freshman year of college, I was made to do the laundry of my upperclassmen, clean their boots, do their homework, carry them to classes, and pre-chew their meals. I am not alone in this, all of these things are normal and natural and good. Did I think this way when I was at the whim of my sophomore, junior, and senior protégés? No. But a year full of hazing and pain truly does one well. It fills you with healthy rage and a desire to get revenge. This ensures that as a sophomore, you will continue this hazing tradition, this natural process that completes the Circle of Life.

Every incoming sophomore I know has been awaiting the first day of school all summer long, and it is because of the newfound power, coolness, and sex appeal that will have surely increased exponentially from our lame-o freshman year of college. To ensure your dominance from Day 1 of sophomore year, make sure you are always prepared to use force, never treat the young ones as equals, and always have a crazed look in your eyes (stop sleeping and it'll come naturally). For more great tips for asserting dominance, check out this SICK website.

To all sophomores, juniors, and seniors, have an awesome year!

And to all freshman...

Best of luck.

:)